The Eddsperiment
by Erarey13
Summary: Stranger than fanfiction! Edd finds himself the proud father of a bouncing baby... cactus. Extraordinary happenings and mature responsibilities, as well as the general problems of a plant/person/baby for any young couple. Will Kevin step up to the role? Will Edd have it in his heart to remedy the situation? WILL ANYONE READ THIS WORK? Only time will tell! (More to come)
1. Chapter 1

Jim. Jim the Cactus. Faithful pet, occasional weapon of self-defense, long time backdrop and witness to the goings on of the cerebral Edd. Insignificant, in the grand scheme of things; Edd continues on with his life, his ongoing relationship with Kevin, grades remain outstanding, experiments and machinations continue to flow from mind to pen to paper. Through this all, though, Edd never fails to tend to and care for his beloved cacti. Love. Jim. Jim the Cactus. Can a cactus love? Can one truly love a Cactus? Am I aware that I just stated someone does? I doubt it, what kind of a question is that, and I forgot but I've come too far on this line of thought to go back now. Who am I? I'm the narrator, well, A narrator, though you won't hear… anything, from me for the remainder of this story. I promise. Jim. Jim the Cactus. Love. Okay okay, I'm done, let's get on with it.

* * *

"Adjustments are necessary before anything more than a trial run Eddy!" Edd pressed his right elbow to the chest of his shorter friend, left hand gripping a vial of opaque white fluid as gently as possible. The two were struggling over the issue of a new plant growth formula and its deployment within the neighborhood. Edd calculated a stable solution would be ready within two weeks at best, and even then would need further work to be applied to the fledgling pumpkin the trio of friends was growing. Eddy had other, more immediate designs.

"It's just a stupid plant sockhead, if it don't work, it don't work, now hand it over!"

"Eddy, enterprise must never take precedence over proper grammar."

"I'm not here for an English class Miss Curie; I'm here for my cash cow!" Eddy made a quick lunge towards the vial, Edd's long arms easily defeating the attempt. He stepped back dejectedly and shoved his hands into his pockets, eyes shifting to the floor and shoulders rolled forward in his usual full body pout. "Fine, check your geometry, not like I can't wait a few days."

"Geometry is not used in chemi-" The door behind Edd flung open, striking him between the shoulder blades and sending him toppling forward, the vial flying from his hands. Eddy leapt after the shimmering glass vial, his eyes glinting with hunger after the promise of wealth it held.

"Come to papa you juicy goldmine!"

Ed stood at the door, looking to the downed teen with a confused look, "Double-Dee why are you in the bathroom?"

"What? Not now Ed!" The ravenette scrambled forward on all fours and snatched at the leg of Eddy's jeans, cutting off his momentum and bringing him toppling down. The Vial kept a steady arc as it tumbled, small droplets flung around the room. While the two on the floor scrambled over one another with their respective gazes focused on the falling vial, Ed lit up with a sudden stroke of inspiration.

"Ultimate Wrestling!? Double-Dee, tag me in!" With that the lumbering giant of a kid flung himself onto the other two, eliciting shouts of pain and creating a light shower of dust from the shaken rafters. The three of them writhed and tumbled for a brief minute, Edd and Eddy attempting to untangle their limbs as well as shake off the overly enthused Ed. "Aw, guys don't stop, I want the championship belt!"

Eddy obliged the simpleminded teen with a golden academic medal set into a heavy oak plaque to the face, "How about a championship coin?"

Ed fell backwards clutching the plaque, still flush with his face. "It's so shiny Eddy."

"You're one in a million Ed."

"And you Eddy are a unique specimen of something special yourself!" The more cerebral of the three was holding the shattered vial in one hand and a fluid spattered cactus in the other.

"What are you cryin' at me for, Ed's the one who hit ya with the door." Eddy placed a hand onto the table holding the chemical set and brought it back once he felt a grainy texture to it. "Plus I'm not the one who turned your place into a giant salt shaker; ol' lumpy here knocked enough dust loose to make your room one giant 'wash me' sign."

Double-Dee gained a sharp, hostile tone, "Eddy if you do not leave now and leave me to work in peace I simply won't assist you in your endeavor."

The two stared at one another tensely for a few moments. The labored breathing of their larger friend breaking the silence. "Ah, ah, guys, guys I, ah, AH-"

The sneeze was powerful enough to disturb the light layer of dust from the floor and nearby bed and coat Edd completely in an ashen shroud. Eddy wasted no time gaining the last word, grabbing the wet-nosed Ed by the collar of his jacket. "See ya brainiac, looks like you to a lot of work to do, plus, this place is a mess, clean it up will ya?"

"Bye Double-Dee!"

"G-goodbye, Ed." The teen looked down at his dust-coated body and took a deep breath to calm himself, "control Eddward, control, you have far too much to focus on to lose yourself in anger."

The next few hours were spent dusting off the larger objects in his room and removing the smaller items to be individually cleaned downstairs, the furniture wrapped in a protective cellophane wrap as well as a tarp set in the center of the room. Edd looked at Jim, so pitiful looking with liquid stains on his chartreuse skin and dust clinging to him entirely. The cactus had been through worse, the healed over edges still in the form of Ed's bite radius. A light going over with a moistened paintbrush and the majority of the clumping dust and dried fluid was removed, Jim's needles glistening from the moisture. "Well don't you look handsome." Edd smiled to himself at his moment with the inanimate cactus, standing to move on to the larger objects still in his room.

Edd forgot when he had fallen asleep, but a quick glance at a his watch told him it was already the next day. A curious smell filled the room, the smell of burnt meat and flour as well as… soil? His eyes went wide as he realized he was not alone; a boisterous humming could be heard from downstairs, as well as crashing plates and metal pans striking one another. He reached for his usual trusty weapon, a circle on the table reminding him that he had left Jim downstairs when he moved on to cleaning his room. "Oh dear…"

Double-Dee crept along the wall near the kitchen with his back pressed tightly against it. In his hands he held an old hockey stick Eddy had never remembered to remove from the upstairs hallway closet, his laziness paying off for someone else. The humming was playful, quick but disjointed, like the person knew the tune but didn't quite know how to vocalize it. _'The vandal must be beside himself calculating his profit, though why he would start with my food…' _Edd took a chance and prepared himself, getting into an aggressive stance, hockey stick held out in front of him.

'_It's worth an attempt.'_ He gripped the handle tightly and spoke with his eyes clenched shut, "Ed, is that you, Eddy?" The humming stopped, a soft thud heard, like someone stepping off from a slight platform. "Oh dear, listen, whomever you are, I am armed, and while I abhor violence I am more than prepared to defend…"

The boy couldn't have been more than four; round, rosy cheeks, slightly protruding belly, teeth plentiful if slightly askew. His hair was a mass of unruly fern-green curls set in a Caesar-like hairdo, his eyes a brilliant emerald, reminiscent of –

"Daddy D, where's Daddy Kevn?"

Double-Dee felt his whole body go weak, the hockey stick dropping to the floor, slumping with his shoulder against the wall. "D…daddy?" The small boy looked at him with a beaming smile, one that would be reassuring were it not for the implications of the moment. "…Jim?"

"Yeah Daddy D, look, I made you befast!"

Double-Dee chanced a glance around the corner of the open doorway to the kitchen, glimpsing only a high flame from the stove as well as completely emptied cartons of eggs and a blackened pile of a month's worth of bacon. A weak groan emanated from his mouth, pressing his forehead to the wall.

"Daddy D, I did bad?"

"No J… Jim, thank you… I just need a moment… or several."

"Oh, I got your box too, it was buzzing earlier!"

Edd looked to the child and saw him holding out his cellphone, messy egg and flour covered fingers smudging the touchscreen. "I must have left it down here while I cleaned."

'Missed Call x1: LOML Kevin, 0915, One new Voicemail.'

Jim was beside him now, looking onto the phone's screen at the Kevin's photograph, his confident grin showing through the mesh of a football helmet's face guard. "Daddy Kevn!"

Edd sat down and pressed two fingers to his eyes, the pressure soothing in a strange way, the slight discomfort telling him that he was indeed awake. "Today, is not ideal."


	2. Chapter 2: Mazel Tov It's a Cactus!

_Hey, so here it is, Chapter 2 of the Eddsperiment, the weekend's been... interesting, so I was kind of at a loss for time to work on this. This is the... fourth version of this chapter, I restarted so many times. I hope you enjoy it, and feedback is always appreciated!_

* * *

"Daddy D this itches!" Jim squirmed in his seat, the shopping cart rattling along the aisles as Edd appraised them for everything lost to the well meant but chaotic breakfast attempt from the morning. Jim scratched vigorously at the horribly green woolen sweater Double-Dee had managed to scrounge for him from a box in the attic, along with a pair of children's cargo pants and moccasins luckily just the right size. The sweater was still two sizes too large for the small boy, coming down almost to his knees, the sleeves spilling over his hands. Edd paused to roll back Jim's sleeves, allowing him some measure of comfort, if only to be able to scratch with fewer impediments.

"He's adorable, how old is he?" Edd was jolted by the voice, turning to see a uniformed Police Officer smiling at Jim. He gripped the handle of the cart to steady himself and managed a weak smile in return.

"Oh, he's f-four, yes, and thank you for the compliment."

The police officer took a step forward waving at Jim, turning his attention back to Edd, his face hardening slightly. "This your child,?" His hand was set at the buckle of his gun belt, an energy drink clutched in the other, non-aggressive posturing but imposing none the less.

"Yes, why of course, though… he ah… takes after his mother far more, the eyes and hair and whatnot."

"Whole family has cactus-green hair?"

"HAH, cactus, yes, c-cactus, well It's odd, but, genetics can be an unpredictable thing." Edd's smile felt strained, the officer looking again to Jim.

"Hey poleeze, what are you and Daddy talking about?"

The officer's face softened again and he gave a curt nod to Double-Dee, walking on, tousling Jim's hair as he passed. "Just asking about that crazy hair of yours buddy, you two have a lovely day, Sir."

Edd felt himself sag with relief as the officer rounded the corner towards the registers. He adjusted his cap and took a deep breath, pushing the cart forward. "Daddy D were you in trouble?"

"No Jim, the officer was simply doing his duty, ensuring you were safe, nothing to be worried about."

"Safe from what?"

"Bad people."

"What are bad people like?"

"Well… they are very selfish, they like to take what they want, they don't care about the consequences of their actions."

"Conse… con."

Edd smiled and pinched Jim's cheek, "Consequences, and to think, at your age my parents had already taught me rudimentary French." _'There's a developmental difference because he is not your son, he is your pet cactus.'_ Edd dispelled the thought and stood in line for the check-out registers, trying his best to keep Jim from trying to slip a chocolate bar from the shelf next to them into the cart. He felt his pocket buzz and retrieved his cell phone, seeing a text message from Kevin. _'And then there is this bridge I have yet to cross, I can only delay for so long.'_ The message was brief, just a simple 'where are you?' Edd responded that he was at the groceries and needed to speak with him soon.

His phone began to vibrate with a status message informing him of an incoming call. It was Kevin. Holding the phone to his cheek with his shoulder, allowing him to take the candy bar out of Jim's hand for the fifth time, he answered. "Hello my love, how can I help you?"

"Didn't know I was calling a telemarketer, hey babe, which store you at?"

"There's only one grocery store in town, Kevin, and what have I said about proper grammar."

"You say a lot so I don't really pay attention, and Awesome, that means I'm at the right one; I'm walking in."

Edd felt a wave of dread wash over him, Jim halting from his sixth attempt with the candy bar to look at him with concern. "Daddy D?"

"Y-your f-f-father is here."

"Daddy Kevn, maybe he'll let me get the chocolate?"

* * *

The growth formula looked like milky water, runoff from a kitchen sink, off white fluid that smelled faintly of pine liquid cleaner. Eddy was stooped over the chemistry set in Double-Dee's room, having let himself in with an old spare key even he had forgotten he possessed. A pang of guilt had entered his mind, briefly, for going into Edd's house without him being there. Memories of late night hangouts, random visits and a whole laundry list of chaos that had blown through his house quickly put his conscience to rest. He poured a half vial's worth from a beaker labeled 'prototype', then thought on it a moment and poured a full vial's worth.

He held the vial level with his eyes, sunlight glinting off the polished glass. "You're my own little test run, beautiful."

He drew his phone from his pocket and made his exit, drawing Edd's bedroom door closed behind him, though forgetting to pull it securely into the frame, leaving it slightly ajar. "Hey Ed, want to go see Rolf's chickens? No I'm not getting one; I was thinkin' you'd have something to talk about with Rolf while I took a little stroll in his garden."

* * *

"Who's the kid?" Kevin watched as Edd approached slowly, a distressed look on his face and a small child trailing behind, a large chocolate bar smearing his face. Edd crouched briefly and whispered something to the boy, receiving a disappointed nod. He had been convinced to wait in the candy shop across the way, the dork saying something about needing to put the groceries in the car and also preparing himself to tell Kevin some important news. Kevin took Double-Dee in his arms in a light hug, leaning in for a light kiss. He noticed Edd's hand reach back to cover the child's eyes, earning him a nip to his index finger.

"Ouch! J-ah… young man do not force me to be stern with you, that candy is already more than what I had determined was appropriate for this outing." Jim pouted and continued taking bites out of the chocolate, turning to the large display window of the candy shop.

"Cousin, nephew, pet, what?" Kevin squeezed at the other teen's hand, gaining his attention.

"Pet… humorous Kevin, yes well, we need to have a discussion on a serious and… confusing matter." Edd offered an endearing smile to attempt and get Kevin loosened up for the undoubtedly frustrating conversation to follow. "Well, I'm not exactly sure how to approach this subject, it is unprecedented for… anyone, I would imagine, so I'm going to try and put it as bluntly as possible."

Kevin raised an eyebrow, his lids drooping slightly, an unamused look settling onto his features. "Well this should be a good one then, just let me know one thing, are the other dorks involved?"

"No, they are not a part of this… occurance."

"Babe you really need to reel back the big words. Well, what's the news?"

Edd took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose, speaking with his head slightly bowed, hand tightening around Kevin's. "This is Jim, my cactus, I believe he was 'born' by way of a plant growth formula I had created to assist Eddy, though how exactly this happened is still well beyond my understanding."

A brief silence followed, interrupted by Kevin's wild snickering. "Wow, babe, I always said you were a bad liar, but this, I don't even know what the hell this is about."

"Daddy Kevn, don't say bad words!" Jim had come over to the pair, standing just beside them. "Daddy D doesn't like when you say bad words."

Kevin's face betrayed no real emotion or thought, a blank expression locked on the small boy with deep green curls. "Why's he callin' us both Daddy."

Edd blushed and took hold of both of Kevin's hands, looking down at the great difference between his and the athlete's. "Well, he retains some 'memories' from his time in my room, though it seems to be mostly short-term, as in within the last few months, and as you'll recall we've been dating, officially, for the better part of this year."

Kevin's expression, or lack thereof, did not change, his eye twitching slightly. "He remembers the last few months… all of it?"

Edd's cheeks became an even darker scarlet, putting his chin to his chest and nodding embarrassedly. "I'm a-afraid so, I suppose he's taken our… interactions, as being between two parents, though I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to even attempt to do the 'birds and the bees' talk with him, due to his age and his-" Edd felt the full weight of the redhead's body as he slumped forward, his arms catching him just under the armpit, his knees beginning to buckle from the load. "Kevin! Kevin, oh dear, this is not going to be pleasant." They fell in tandem to the ground, Double-Dee struggling to extricate himself from underneath the heavier teen. Jim had dropped his candy bar to help, tugging fruitlessly at Kevin's collar, grunting with the exertion.

The shop owner and two customers came rushing out of the store, lifting Kevin and helping Edd to stand. The heavily mustachioed shop owner fanned Kevin, assisting the others in putting him in a recovery position. "What happened, he just dropped!?"

"I told him some distressing news and apparently his sensibilities weren't up to it."

The owner looked down to Kevin, removing his cap to feel his forehead, turning back to Edd, "What, he find out he's a Dad or something?"

"S-something like that."

* * *

"Simple-minded Edboy, why must you torment Rolf's fowls?"

Eddy watched as Rolf and Ed struggled to reign in the unruly chickens loosed accidentally from the coop, slowly taking steps backwards towards the rows of various vegetables lining the back fence.

"This is like a chicken Rodeo Rolf!"

"Edboy, do not lollygag in these fantasies, you will assist Rolf or Rolf will ensure you are never able to raise Yams again!"

"What are yams?"

Eddy laughed to himself as the other two raced and leapt after the spooked chickens, feeling his heel come into contact with the short wire fence surrounding the garden. He drew the vial from his rear pocket and popped the stopper, glancing back over his shoulder to decide on his test subject. Yams, eggplants, radishes, cucumbers, so many in neat, hand tended rows. His eyes fell on a cucumber slightly hidden by the small cluster of lettuce nearby, upending the vial and liberally wetting the plant with the formula.

"Three-haired Edboy, remove yourself from Rolf's soon to be ripened harvest and assist us with the taming of these rebel fowls."

"I'm on my way Rolfy boy, just thought I'd get a good look at what you've got in stock." Eddy waited till Rolf had continued rounding up the chickens before turning slightly and pitching the vial over the fence.

After all the chickens had been caught, Eddy walked on without acknowledging a jovial Rolf, Ed staying behind, accepting an offer to stay for dinner celebrating the impromptu round up. He continued on towards his house, pausing to look up the street at an approaching car. It was Double-Dee in the compact his parents had left once he had gotten his permit, usually used for errands or, when Eddy could convince him, brief trips to the bigger towns. The car pulled into Edd's driveway and the teen hurriedly exited, rounding to the other side to assist Kevin out, arm around his shoulder. _'Huh, shovelchin musta' had too much to drink; figures sockhead would come to the rescue.' _He saw one of the rear doors open and watched as a small child in a disgustingly green sweater hopped out and followed close behind, struggling with a jug of milk in a grocery bag.

'_Edd didn't tell me he had family in town, little squirt's got some crazy hair.'_ He stood in the street for a moment, eyes locked on Double-Dee's house. He felt a weird sensation travel up his spine, a chill almost, but he shrugged it off and turned up his shirt's collar. "Stinkin' summer, make up your mind." He continued on towards his house, pausing at the door to glance once more towards Edd's house before going inside.

* * *

The vial traveled far, sailing in a long arc, a thin film of the fluid pooling at the bottom from the force. It landed with relatively little sound in a crowd of flowers outside of Jimmy's house, the plants cushioning its impact. The vial traveled along the stems and petals of the gathered plants, finally settling with it's opening facing down towards the ground. A globule of the formula slowly crawled down the wall of the vial, coming to the lip and hanging in a fat droplet. A lone weed had survived, partially crushed underfoot by Jimmy at some point past, barely surviving in the shadow of the healthier plants, protected from sight by their stature. The droplet hung for a moment more, and then fell onto one of the hairy fringes of the weed's head, the plant absorbing it greedily.


	3. Chapter 3: Love 'em, Eat 'em

**OKAY! It has been one hell of a week for me, AGAIN, so I haven't really had the chance to work on this. I Just want you all to know that I had to work really, really late on this, so I really hope it is up to your standards because my brain is giving out. The updates may slow a little, save for this weekend, I plan to put out a couple chapters of this. My job is very demanding, and though this is a great exercise for me, I still have to try and be able to work haha. So, as I always say, feedback is greatly appreciated!**

**I do not own any of the characters or settings in this work.**

* * *

Kevin held a pillow to his face, an ice pack wedged under the back of his neck. His head sat in Edd's lap, the ravenette running his hands slowly through the athletic teen's hair. Jim sat nearby on a recliner, his feet kicking off of the edge of the seat, a large cup of water in his hands and a long straw leading up to his puckered lips, eyes locked on the two teens on the couch. Kevin lifted the pillow slightly, the fluorescent light of the ceiling fan glinting in his emerald Iris, the nearly microscopic movements as he examined the green curled child watching him from nearby.

"Well… what do we do then?" He tossed the pillow aside and sat up abruptly, Double-Dee making no attempt to stop him. Kevin put his head in his hands and let out a deep sigh, fingers drumming along his temples. "I mean… is it… like… is it even our problem?"

"Kevin, HE is our responsibility, and to this point HE has been my responsibility."

"It was a damn cactus before, it's a different ballgame when it's walking around with fucking legs." The pair shared an intense look, Kevin's heavy with frustration and Edd's with disbelief. The moment was interrupted by the sound of a full glass of water striking the ground and quick, pattering feet raced across the livingroom and up the stairs.

"Now you've upset the baby, Kevin, your inconsiderate nature is simply beyond me." Edd raced upstairs at a light trot, cooing soft words to attempt and consol the boy into returning.

Kevin shouted from his place on the couch, "It's not a baby it's a … cactus… damnit." Kevin stood and let out a muffled roar into his hands, removing his cap to rub tiredly at his scalp. "It's not even my cactus." He walked into the kitchen and searched around for anything with decent alcohol content, at this point he'd have accepted rubbing alcohol. Coming up empty, he opted instead for a cola, popping the tab and drinking deeply, the oddly harsh feel of the carbonated liquid shaking some of the grogginess from his head.

He stood waiting in the kitchen for about five minutes, tapping his foot impatiently as he leaned against the counter, expecting a furious dork to round the corner at him. He prepared himself, tried to wrack his brain for a list of the bigger insulting phrases and words that would most likely make their way to him. Nothing, the house was still, save for the rapid tap of his tennis-shoes on the linoleum.

Kevin crept slowly up the stairs, his face contorted in an apologetic grimace. As he reached the top, he spotted Double-Dee seated against the door to his room, hugging his knees to his chest, head lain against them. Kevin took a few tentative steps forward and held in the middle of the hallway, clenching and unclenching his fists.

"You may come forward Kevin, Jim has isolated himself in my room and I simply don't have the heart to try and explain your… outburst." Edd hardly looked up, just the flash of his azure-blue eyes sending a sharp pang through Kevin's heart.

He took a hesitant step, biting his lip as he wavered for a moment, then continued, taking a seat next to the morose teen. He brought his hands up and rubbed them together, tempting the moment by sliding one arm around Edd's shoulders; there was no protest, instead the boy pressed in closely to the redhead. "Babe… Look, I'm sorry, how am I supposed to react?"

"This apology is wasted on me Kevin, I'm upset with your reaction, but in the end I am not upset with you, however I do believe the small child currently barricaded behind this door would be more receptive." He stood and walked a few paces down the hall, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall, giving a guiding nod of his head, closing his eyes as he slumped back down to a seated position on the floor.

"Oh come on, I can't…"

"You will." Edd's eyes remained closed, no trace of strain or even any real facial inflection to his statement.

"Oh now it's an order?"

"It's a promise; a promise that you will do what is right, and a promise from me that I will not let you hear the end of it if you do not perform adequately."

Kevin groaned and looked up to the ceiling beseechingly, hands cupped forward in faux prayer. "Alright, I'll talk to him."

A timid voice, barely audible, escaped from Double-Dee's door, slightly cracked open. "My name's Jim... Kevn."

The lack of the familiar title 'Daddy' wounded the jock in an uncomfortably painful way. _'What the hell, why do I feel like I just kicked a puppy or something?' _Kevin looked to the ravenette, still in the same position with his eyes closed, and let out an exaggerated breath, making a deep raspberry. "Jim… mind if I come in, have a little man to man?"

"Not man to cactoo?" Jim opened the door only a tad more, showing the puffiness of his eyes and the streaks of myrtle-green tears on his eternally rosy cheeks.

"No… not man to 'cactoo', promise." He looked over to his boyfriend for a reaction to the last word, catching him quickly shut one eye that had been open in a peeking manner. He let out a quick chuckle and stood, pushing the door open slowly as Jim ran back towards the bed, leaping up and burying himself in the large comforter he had gotten for himself. He walked over and sat down towards the foot of the bed, keeping as much of himself on the bed as possible while still giving Jim a great deal of space.

"Why are you mad at me Daddy Kevn?" The gasping, wet breaths combined with the sweet honorific brought an empathetic look to Kevin's face, turning to look towards the child, only the top of his head poking out, tear filled, emerald eyes peering out at him.

"I'm not, argh, I'm not mad at you little guy… you were just kind of… a surprise, I guess." _'He's a walking, talking plant that calls you and your boyfriend 'daddy' we are well past surprise.' _He rubbed tiredly at his aching eyes, trying to think of a less harsh way of approaching the subject. "D-Da… DADDY Kevn wasn't expecting to see you like this." _'Like what, alive?' _If he could have, he'd have beaten his subconscious to submission.

"Like how… Daddy Kevn." The child was testing the waters, trying to see if the title was safe to speak, allowed, even. Kevin shifted so that he was almost facing Jim, one leg folded across the bed and the other remaining off the side.

He looked over the boy, slowly emerging from his blanket's protective cover to sit cross-legged, wiping quickly at his eyes with the back of his forearms. He crossed them onto his chest and sniffed, looking down towards the soft-grey sheets of the bed. Kevin thought for a moment, slowly running through the best way to proceed. He gave up on any kind of planned approach, and instead threw himself forward on the bed, letting the bed settle back to stillness, his eyes locked on a still distant Jim.

"Hey, I'm sorry Kid."

"I'm not 'kidd' I'm Jim." The boy's face became defiant almost, looking to the redhead for the first time since he had entered the room.

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry… Jim, you're… different, and I'm really, REALLY new to the whole 'kids' thing."

Jim dropped his arms down into his lap, playing with the rumpled end of the hideous green sweater he still for some reason wore. "D-D-Daddy D says diffrnt is f-f-fine, h-he said, h-he said that diffrnt things are pretty."

"They are buddy, they are." Almost instinctively, Kevin's arm rotated around towards Jim, coming to rest just off to the side of him, his hand opening and closing, asking without words for the child's.

Jim thought on it a moment and slid his small hand into Kevin's, the jock closing around it tenderly, a smile spreading across his face.

"You and Daddy D are diffrnt, I remember y-you talking about it one night when you hugged."

Kevin burned with embarrassment, his eyes widening to the point he believed they might simply roll out of his skull without anything holding them there.

"That was a special hug that your father and I will explain to you at a date sometime in the far, far, FAR, distant future." Edd strode in from the doorway and lay atop the prone redhead, making him groan from the positioning as well as the sudden weight on his back, light as it may have been. Double-Dee extended his hand in the same way as Kevin and took the green-curled boy's other hand in his own, giving the same reassuring squeeze.

"Different is beautiful Jim, we're a different family." He pinched at the back of Kevin's neck with his free hand, eliciting another groan.

"Yeah little guy, we're a… family, and we might be kind of weird to some people, but, fuck it, you're our… your our kid."

Jim smiled letting out a stuttering laugh, his lungs still calming down from crying. "Daddy Kevn, don't say bad words!"

Double-Dee gave another pinch with a playful grin.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, _Daddy D _doesn't like it… but you know what else he doesn't like buddy?"

Jim waited in rapt anticipation. "What Daddy Kevn?"

Kevin pushed off from the bed, dropping the slender teen and himself down onto the bedroom floor, rolling around to take a dominant position atop him, hands held up in a seemingly gnarled manner. "DADDY D HATES TO BE TICKLED!" Kevin assailed the ravenette's sides with his fingers mercilessly, laughing, even as his hat was knocked off by a weak attempt to get him to stop.

"Ke-Ke-Kev-v-vin sto-stoh-stop!" Double-Dee had tears running down his cheeks, a broad, unrestrained smile breaking across his face. Kevin felt the slender teen's hands come up in retaliation, causing him to spasm slightly, beginning to laugh hysterically.

"Don't leave me out!" Jim dove and joined in the pile of limbs and squirming shapes, laughing excitedly as Kevin turned his attention to him, Edd passively retaliating, absorbing the pure, unrestrained enjoyment of the moment.

* * *

Summer nights in the cul-de-sac were slightly unsettling. Beyond the glow of televisions and lights from windows as well as the few streetlights rounding the curbs, pitch black darkness was only really kept at bay by the moon and stars. Tonight however was overcast, hinting at the likeliness of another unpredictable period of rains. Quiet reigned over the neighborhood, only the occasional rustle of trees or the soft whistle of wind as it wound through fence posts and past metal poles breaking the spell.

Jimmy's house was completely dark, the teen a consistently early sleeper. He had gone through all his usual checks, all his paranoia carrying over from childhood, as well as memories of random intrusions by the larger of the Ed's. He didn't hold it against the simple teen anymore, remembering it more as a peculiar period of his childhood, though his fear of intruders still lingered on. Windows; locked. Doors; bolted, locked and securely in frame. Garage; coded, down, and with a bolt in the simple locking position. Safe, secure, ready for bed.

Jimmy entered his room and flipped the lights off, guiding himself forward slowly with careful, probing steps. He came into contact with the soft silk of his window curtains, stepping off slightly to the right and coming into contact with his bed frame with his thigh. He climbed into bed slowly and placed his 'beauty blinders', as he liked to call them, over his eyes, settling in with a satisfied sigh.

A deep sigh pierced the still silence of his room, causing Jimmy to bolt upright, fumbling with the pull cord on the lamp topping the nightstand. The room was empty, save for himself and his beloved Mr. Yum Yums, seated in the ornate palace seat he kept near the window for his own moments of musing. He held his breath and scanned the room, eyes darting from the door, to the closet, even slowly lowering himself over the side of his bed to chance a look under. Nothing, still safe, still secure, though a bit more paranoid.

Again, a deep sigh. Jimmy nearly crashed into the nightstand, the lamp wobbling on its rounded base, Jimmy bracing it with one hand and removing the lampshade with the other. The room was still as empty as it had been a minute before when he had gone over it. He looked around nervously, suspecting every shadow or dark corner of the room.

He saw the curtain move forward abruptly, revealing the window ajar enough to allow gusts of wind to enter, a deep sighing sound coming from it. With an audible sigh of relief, Jimmy placed the lamp back down, replaced the lampshade and hastily made his way to the window, shutting and latching it quickly, moving back towards his bed ready to settle back in. He snapped off the light and waited, the heavy darkness of the room sinking him towards sleep. His eyes began to flutter, a relieved smile crossing his features, and, without remembering to draw the 'beauty blinds' back, he drifted off.

A man sat in Jimmy's kitchen, his back towards the open entryway. He sat completely still, disheveled locks of hair crazily splayed out in every direction. He was nude, save for a pair of thick work gloves he wore as he turned his hands over and examined them. The darkness was less threatening as it had been for him previously, out in the blanket of beauty that cast him from all sunlight. Here, however, he was above it, a part of it, and it enveloped him comfortingly, almost in the same way that the soft earth had once enveloped his roots. He glanced down towards his toes and wiggled them about, loose clumps of soil falling onto the clean-swept floor. He stood and walked towards the sink, removing a glove and placing it under the faucet.

The water felt wonderful, taking a deep breath as he felt the cool liquid surge across his flesh and be absorbed rapidly. He thought of the long days of unending thirst, spared some occasionally by the cluster of lilies that had sheltered and deprived him. He stopped to look into the clear glass over the sink, his features outlined slightly, a break in the clouds overhead revealing him to himself for the first time. Sharp lines dominated every angle of his face, a narrow chin, sharp, slightly upturned nose, high, solid cheekbones. He opened his mouth slowly and was slightly disappointed at the rows of dull yellow fangs that greeted him.

He placed both his hands into the sink and cupped them, gathering some water before lowering his face into the handheld pool. It was as if he had been submerged in ice, sharp pinpricks of delight cascading over him, his back arching and every muscle shuddering. _'This is… this is perfect.' _

* * *

Kevin awoke with a start, feeling his sides aching. He groggily looked around and smiled sleepily at the sight of Edd and Jim curled up together, the dork's head resting on Kevin's thigh. He sat up on his elbows and watched just for a moment, sighing deeply with a feeling of warmth welling up inside him. The warmth may have been his body preparing a demand, because the loud growl that came from his stomach was enough to stir both of the other sleeping forms.

"Mmmmmmorning Kevin."

"Morn-ahhhhhhhhh-morning Daddy."

Kevin cleared his throat and leaned forward, scratching the child's head vigorously. "You two hungry?"

The three of them were gathered around the refrigerator, Double-Dee crouching with a spatula in hand, trying his best to shake sleep from his eyes as he looked through the haphazardly stocked shelves. "The disorganization is killing me." He smiled when he felt Kevin's legs bracing him from behind, his hands pushing down onto his shoulders as he scanned as well.

"How about we just keep it simple, '_Ma'_; Bacon, Eggs, some toast and, what do you want to drink Brussels' Sprout?"

Jim sat with his legs sprawled out in front of him, slouching slightly, head rolling backwards as he let out a tired yawn. "I want ornge juice."

"Jim, what do we say?"

"I want ornge juice now." Edd reached out and tapped Jim on the nose chidingly, shaking his head with a smile. Kevin looked down on the two of them with a look of astonishment on his face.

'_I'm cooking breakfast with my boyfriend and his pet cactus, and just a year ago I was wondering where we would go together.'_

The three were seated around the table, eating without much small talk, only the occasional request for some condiment or 'just a little more' of the left-over food. Kevin chewed thoughtfully on a mouthful of bacon, looking at Edd, his gaze completely focused on eating his meal quickly and neatly, then to Jim, who was attempting to mimic the ravenette, with less than neat results. Kevin smiled and reached over with a napkin, wiping bits of egg from the child's face, avoiding his fussy attitude as he cleared the facial debris.

When he sat back, he noticed Edd looking up from his plate shyly, eyes searching him for some kind of signal or hint as to his thoughts. Kevin returned the look and then shrugged, nodding back to Jim, slumping forward slightly till his forehead bumped the table briefly, bringing him fully awake, though with a heavy-lidded look of confusion on his face. Kevin leaned forward slightly and slid his hand along the underside of the table, coming into contact with another doing the exact same thing.

He laced his fingers with the other's looking over to see Edd blushing, chewing silently and eyes down towards his meal.

"Will every morning be like this Daddy Kevn?"

He was stirred from his moment with the blushing teen, turning his attention to a still lilting Jim. He thought on it for a moment, looking down at his plate, the meal he had prepared for…

'_For my family, my boyfriend and … our… ah fuck it, our kid.'_

Kevin stuck out his chin and nodded, winking at the sleepy child. "You bet buddy."

* * *

Jimmy frowned at himself in his bedroom mirror, playing with the massive pale-blond curl of hair that drooped in a connecting fan along the right side of his head, the opposite a buzzed field nearly to the skin. He swept it backwards and laughed at the 'cultured' look it gave him, pouting and scowling at himself, puffing up his chest and delivering the best confident smile he could, his teeth flashing a pristine white. "I do so hate clichés, but, you are good enough to eat."

"Oh… but strawberries don't taste like they used to."

Jimmy nearly collapsed underneath the winged beauty stand as he spun around, hair dryer pointed outward in a defensive posture, his finger upon the trigger. "Trespassers will be dealt with in the harshest of means!"

"Jimmy, you were always a poetic little boy… all those tomes and volumes of poetry and great epics you would read to your precious petunias, lovely lilies, robust roses, peculiar pansies, oh, the list is nearly endless."

"Show yourself Villan, I'll have you know I'm armed!"

The door had been left open, the shadows of early morning still painting the hallway. From the darkness strode in a tall, spindly man with locks of dirty-blond hair, hard, sharp angles defining his sickly features. Jimmy's father's faded grey and purple Letterman's jacket sat loosely on his boney shoulders, an old Venice Beach novelty T shirt rising and falling beneath with every rattling breath. His hands were shoved into the pockets of the slimming photographer's pants he held up with a belt he apparently had cut a new notch into. His feet were covered in what looked like loose earth, an unhealthy greenish-brown pallor to it, in fact to every exposed inch of skin.

"I am no Villan, Jimmy, sweet, talented, lively Jimmy."

Jimmy began to shake violently, standing slowly, finger still on the trigger of the hairdryer, though for what reason was unknown. "I-I'll call the authorities, ruffian, they'll have you off in hardly any time at all!"

The cackling laugh that came from the almost skeletal frame of the man before him made it almost impossible for him to remain steady.

"You'll call no-one, because you see, dear, DEAR, Jimmy, you're feeling so ill, and I am merely here to care for you, much as you have those… more aesthetically appealing flora just outside your window." With a swift motion, the man had closed the distance between the two and had pinned one of Jimmy's wrists to the wall behind him, his other hand pressed to the frantic teen's face. The terrified teen began to convulse, his eyes rolling back into his head, the struggle slowly draining from him. Meanwhile, the lanky man began to seem fuller of the face, his cheeks filling out, as well as his hands gaining some girth.

With renewed resolve, the man scooped Jimmy up into his arms and laid him down onto the bed, tucking him in surprisingly gingerly, taking a seat on the bedside, stroking one healthily-colored hand along Jimmy's pallid skin.

"Shhh, shhh, You needn't worry, you'll be fed, clothed, sheltered, though, I still fear you will wither on the vine, so to speak; so, so young."

Jimmy feebly swatted away the mockingly affectionate hand, his eyes straining to remain open, dry throat clicking as he struggled to voice any kind of statement.

"What, what was that, you'll have to speak up my Love."

"Wh-Who are you?" He rasped.

A long pause as he held his face only inches away from the wretched-looking teen. He moved slightly and whispered into Jimmy's ear, stressing every letter of his response.

"Call Me Ishmael."


	4. Chapter 4:To whom do I owe the pleasure?

_**I'm not going to give you the sob story, this one actually just took a minute. Well, there's a lot more rising action and exposition here, more character building, blah blah, I just hope you enjoy, please, let me know, leave me some feedback! just know I love you... no matter what... even if you ignore me :/. hahah, kidding, I hope you enjoy the piece.**_

* * *

Rolf took in a deep lungful of the early morning air, letting out a pleased sigh, stepping out barefoot onto the beaten path from his back door to his workshed. For him, there was no greater pleasure than rising early and getting a jump on the day's chores, arriving at school already sore but with that rush of accomplishment only manual labor could conjure. He paused midstride when his eyes came to rest on the latch to the shed, broken off its frame with the wood paneling on the damaged side ripped out of place.

Most kids in the neighborhood would have retreated and alerted the authorities. Rolf was the exception to this. "Intruder, you will reveal yourself to Rolf, or face the merciless wrath of the son of a shepherd!" With a single smooth motion Rolf had ripped his tank-top off and beat upon his solid pectorals, his thick mat of chest hair bristling in the morning chill.

"The turnips of your descendants shall whisper of Rolf's actions for harvests to come!" He brought his bare foot to bear against the door, causing it to slam into the opposite wall and fall off its hinges, a heavy cloud of loose dirt and hay obscuring the already poor lighting of the shed. Rolf came forward in his most menacing stance, eyes darting from spot to spot as he leapt at every shadow, upturning every possible hiding place in the confined space. A flash of movement towards the door caught his eye and he launched himself backwards, shooting his arm out to latch onto the trailing lengths of what looked like wild, untamed hair, gripping a handful.

A feral scream cut through the early morning calm, the anger of an animal caught, even if partially, by a predator. Rolf felt his shoulder nearly wrenched out of its socket simply from the force of the pull, wincing as his superior musculature firmed and began to pull back. The intruder was still merely an obscured shape, what looked like a crouching animal dancing back and forth on all fours, attempting to tug itself free of Rolf's iron grip.

"You shall not overcome me, for I am firmer than the calluses on Nana's great toe, challenge me as a man you shadow creature!"

The figure took Rolf's challenge to heart and lunged forward at him, forcing him bodily back into the shed, throwing him into a bale of hay on the opposite side of the space. Rolf raised himself just in time to come into a grappling embrace with his attacker, rolling on the dirt strewn ground. Rolf felt nails swipe across his face, causing him to lose his grip slightly, though, in an act of rage, he clamped down onto the wrist of his assailant.

Rolf's eyes went wide as he tasted the flesh of his attacker, immediately releasing them and scooting himself backwards on his hands and heels, coming to a stop with his back against a work bench. The other being in the shed retreated to a far corner, nursing their wound, hissing like they were possessed.

"Rolf… Rolf cannot believe what his taste-buds have revealed to him in this darkened place." He slowly rose and raised his hand towards the ceiling, hands waving back and forth in a searching motion for the shed's lights pullcord. Seizing the rusted length of metal, a quick downwards tug illuminated his animalistic foe.

Her hair was nearly the full length of her voluptuous figure, rounded and supple curves contradicting with the taut and firm musculature that flexed from underneath flawless pale skin. She crouched in the corner with enough room to maneuver, her toes curled and digging into the earthen floor of the shed, body held low to the ground in a pouncing stance. Bottle-green eyes sized him up warily, her rounded face in a scowl, canines flashing just a little longer, and sharper, than normal. Her hair was a tangled mass of harlequin locks, thick clumps of earth, strands of hay as well as what looked like a small snarl of wire from a garden.

Rolf dropped down to his knees, mouth agape, completely at a loss of how to continue. His instincts acted for him, filling the void left by the reasoning portion of his brain.

"Cucumber woman, forgive the ignorant son of a shepherd, Rolf was not expecting your arrival, please, accept the song of shame in apology." A deep rumbling began to build in Rolf's diaphragm, emerging from his lips as a muddled yodel, interrupted by what sounded like wounded sobbing. This went on for a good five minutes, the tanned teen removing his pants and tearing them at the crotch and seat, placing them on his arms and mimicking a bird in failing flight.

The woman was taken aback, completely confused by the display. She stood and took a step forward, bringing Rolf to a cringing halt, dropping to his knees once more, hands out before him on the ground.

"Strike quickly with your vengeance vegetable vixen, for Rolf does not wish to bear your humiliation of his livestock in fashionable evening wear." Rolf trembled in anticipation, nearly yelping when a soft hand slid comfortingly under his chin, raising his head from the floor.

"R-R-RRRRolfff, ROLF, Rolf, no sad, no scared, Umber S-S-sorry." Rolf felt his hands rising and taking hers tenderly, eyes closing from the sensation of her smooth skin sending tendrils of warmth through his relaxing frame.

"The legends of the old country are true, you are most merciful, mistress of the soil." Rolf stood and shook his head, regaining some of his composure. "But, Rolf has been rude to this point, please, grace Rolf's humble domicile with your mud crusted footfalls."

The woman let out a loud, awkward laugh that made even Rolf cringe slightly from the volume. The two made their way slowly towards the house, Rolf holding the woman's hand as if escorting royalty.

"Rolf only wonders, by what name or title do you wish to be addressed; the tales of the old country say you will reveal to your first challenger a name in our unworthy squash bruising tongue."

The woman smiled, or at least attempted to, still acclimating to her new form. "Cucu."

"Cucu it shall be, let all within earshot of Rolf's as of yet unbrushed mouth hear and know the Soil Mistress' mortal title!" Rolf stuck out his bare chest proudly, raising his nose slightly as he held open the door. "Please, tread upon the finest surfaces of Rolf's home, leave no space clean, NANA, wake Mama and assist her in preparing the finest stuffed peppers you can manage, this shall be a week of great celebration!"

* * *

Eddy rapped his knuckles against Double-Dee's door a third time, his patience wearing thin in the summer heat. Ed stood nearby attempting to touch his tongue to his nose, a task he had randomly assigned himself.

"Luuk Enny, ny dnnd nt!"

Eddy turned slightly, observing Ed with his tongue pressed flush with his forehead. He blinked, taking the sight in and turned back to the door, holding his thumb to the door-bell.

Kevin answered, a towel wrapped around his head, dressed only in a pair of blue jeans that sagged from his hips, revealing his total lack of underwear. "Yeah, need something shorty?"

"I NEED ya to not be with my one man think-tank every stinkin second!" Eddy shoved past Kevin, their shoulders coming into contact without any subtlety. Kevin shook his head and turned his attention to the larger teen, his tongue still pressed to his forehead.

"Enny, Enny, ann nu nll nhere?" He began groping his way forward, hands smacking against Kevin's abdomen. His tongue shot back into his mouth with a wet snap, a wide grin forming on his lips. "Kevin, I thought we were at Double-Dee's house!"

"You are lumpy, come on in, and you can stop feeling me up now."

"Feeling up?"

Kevin pointed down towards Ed's hands, pressed against Kevin's lean ab muscles. He smacked the back of his hands and made an ushering motion into the house, rolling his eyes as the lumbering teen made his way in.

Eddy had already kicked his feet up on the couch, hands behind his head and his eyes watching Kevin make his way back towards the stairs. "You mind grabbin' Double-Dee while you're up there, I need ta talk to him."

"Want me to mix you a drink too, pipsqueak?"

"Nah, that'll be all, houseboy." Eddy grinned as Kevin regarded him with hostile eyes, relaxing even more into the deep cushions of the couch.

Kevin made his way up the stairs at a slight jog, muttering under his breath. He opened the door to Edd's bedroom and found him attempting to tame Jim's wild mane of hair, a thin comb entangled in the curling locks. He rummaged through his backpack for a shirt among the spare 'overnight' clothes he had brought the day before, talking over his shoulder as he slid one on. "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb are downstairs."

Edd gave up on his grooming attempt and managed to free the comb, tossing it aside, "I suppose I shouldn't keep them waiting, I know Eddy tends to become more abrasive whenever you are around… also, I think it's time we introduce them to Jim."

Kevin scratched at the matted hair on his head, placing his beloved baseball-cap on and adjusting it backwards. "Yeah, I guess it is now that he's here to stay."

Jim tugged at one of Double-Dee's beltloops, gaining his attention. "I Don't want to see the scary one."

"Scary one?" Edd lifted him up onto his hip and tilted his chin up, bringing Jim's gaze to his own. "What do you mean scary one?"

Jim buried his face into the ravenette's neck, sliding his shoulder out of the oversized collar of the sweater he still hadn't managed to replace. On his left shoulder was the faintest outline of what an apparently human bite pattern, rounded and barely visible without close inspection. Edd's mind flooded with memories of the night he had brandished Jim as a weapon against a suspected burglar, only to discover it was Ed sleep-eating. Ed had unfortunately taken a piece of Jim with him during his nighttime pantry raid. The event must have been traumatic enough to survive even through Jim's shorter term memory.

"Oh dear, he means Ed, they have a… history, I suppose you could say."

"What did the big guy try to eat him or something?" Kevin snickered as he sifted through his bag for his can of body spray, shaking it vigorously and pausing to look at Edd. "You're fucking kidding me?"

"Daddy Kevn d-"

"YEAH, yeah, I know, 'don't say bad words' jeeze, he takes after you alright."

Double-Dee feigned indignation, tipping his nose upwards and clutching Jim closer to his body, "You are correct, he is an intelligent, sensitive and well-mannered little gentleman."

"Babe, the kid barely learned that you don't eat fertilizer."

Jim let out a high giggle, "That was funny, Daddy D was so scared, his face was like this." He mimicked a distraught face, his eyes wide and mouth in an 'oh' shape.

A voice reached them in the room, seeming to snake under the door. "Would ya hurry up, I think I'm old enough ta vote already!"

Kevin rolled his eyes and groaned, walking up to the cerebral teen and the child with green, Caesar locks, enveloping them both in an embrace. "Well, let's get downstairs then, with any luck the small fry's head'll explode when we break the news."

"That's a thing!?"

"Kevin, can we please not seed bad ideas in young Jim's mind, he isn't old enough to understand hyperbole."

"Hippo Bowling?"

Kevin pinched at Jim's cheek, the child swatting meekly at his hand, "yeah buddy, Hippo Bowling."

The trio descended the stairs, Jim keeping his face tucked against Edd's chest, peeking out timidly to find his teenaged boogeyman. Eddy rose up slightly on the couch, pulling his knees up closer to his chest and resting his elbows on them, arms resting limply.

"Who's kid?"

Ed emerged from the kitchen, a box of left-over pizza in his hands, a microwaved, cardboard-textured slice dangling from his mouth, "I want to see the baby!" He dropped the box in his rush towards Jim, still gripping the slice of pizza with his teeth. He came to a stop just short of the trio and bent at the waist, putting his hands to his knees. "Well aren't you just the little dickens?"

Jim began to bawl uncontrollably into Edd's chest, prompting him to give Kevin a worried look and heading towards the kitchen, leaving Ed standing in the living room looking wounded. "I didn't mean to scare him, oh, I'm sorry Kevin."

Kevin put a hand on Ed's shoulder reassuringly, "Don't sweat it lumpy, it's a long story."

Eddy cleared his throat from the couch, Kevin turning his attention towards him. "Still haven't answered my question Shovelchin, that Double-Dee's cousin or something?"

"His name is Jim, and he is our… son, and I believe he was brought… about, by the growth formula we managed to spill during our altercation the other day." Edd was standing in the open doorway to the kitchen, Jim sipping absently at a juice-box from his place on the teen's hip.

"Yeah, good one sockhead, so what's the deal, you babysitting, parents leave him at the supermarket, what?"

Kevin stepped up to the diminutive teen and stuck his index finger firmly against his sternum. "He's our kid, he's… he USED TO be a cactus, and I don't wanna hear you make it like my boyfriend's a liar one more time."

Eddy swiped Kevin's hand away and pressed his own to the redhead's pectoral. "Either you're both crazy, or you're both messin with me, and don't you go pokin' me with those Lincoln logs you call fingers there boxhead!"

Kevin returned the swat and attempted to place his hand back in it's previous position, Eddy countering and the two devolving into a slapping match that steadily became more and more violent.

Jim jumped down from Edd's hip and ran forward, tossing his juice-box aside as he scrambled over the couch. He stood on the cushions with both arms out in front of him, palms out to the two teens. "Stop, Daddy D says fighting is for crocodiles!"

The pair halted their struggle, Eddy's hands gripping Kevin's collar, Kevin's gripping Eddy underneath the armpits, both with handfuls of the other's shirt, hair disheveled and red marks from blows they had traded. Edd came forward and put his hands on Jim's shoulders, shrugging and giving the shorter teen an awkward smile.

"The word was 'imbeciles' Jim, but I'm glad you at least remembered the gist of what I had previously said."

Eddy let go of the redhead, the jock thinking for a moment before shoving Eddy to the ground forcefully. "Hey asshole, I already quit!"

"Ohh, Daddy D, Eddy said a bad word!"

"Yes Eddy, you did swear." Edd draped his arms on Jim's shoulders, the child leaning back on the couch and against the ravenette. The foursome looked quietly at one another, Kevin and Eddy trading glaring looks, the shorter teen then looking in disbelief at the green-haired child.

"This is just like the movie 'My science project was my Aunt Ethel', except Jim isn't a paper volcano, and this isn't Idaho!" Ed tromped over and waved to the child, Jim sheepishly returning the gesture, hiding himself behind Edd's arm. "Aww, I'm sorry little plant baby, I don't want you to be scared of me, do you want something cool?"

Jim nodded, still keeping himself shielded by the slender teen's forearm. Ed rummaged around the pockets of the faded Army-Surplus jacket, withdrawing a miniature armored warrior brandishing a chain-saw bladed saber. "This is Chief Ork Exterminator Lonos, bravest space trooper in the fleet of Admiral Gant's grand armada, I keep him in my pocket for when I feel afraid… you can have him."

Jim extended his hand and took the figurine in his hand, turning it in his fingers, examining the fine detail of the fictional warrior's menacing appearance. He sniffed and wiped at his eyes, nodding with a smile to the simple-minded teen. "T-Thank you, Ed…"

"Don't thank me, thank Chief Ork Exterm-"

"I think he gets it Ed." Eddy had stood and was straightening out his clothing, returning his focus to Jim. "So… let's say I believe the squirt is your old cactus… does that mean the stuff upstairs does this to EVERYTHING it touches?"

Edd pondered on it for a moment, biting his lip, "Well, one can never be sure, especially in unprecedented situations such as these, but, pending further analysis, I could gain a more concrete understanding of the formula's effects."

"English, please, professor."

"I'd have to check… but maybe?"

Eddy's eyes lit up with curiosity, a smirk spreading across his face. "Welp, I need to go check on somethin' back at my place, I'll be back in a few, you kiddos have a good time without me."

Kevin watched the smirking teen hastily exit Edd's house, observing him take off in almost a dead sprint towards Rolf's. "What's he doin' at Rolf' place?"

"Me and Eddy had gone to play with the chickens Kevin, maybe he's going to play with them again, MAYBE ROLF WILL LET ME DO THE CHICKEN RODEO AND HAVE ANOTHER SAUSAGE AND PORK PARTY!" Ed took off, a lumbering flash of movement that shot across the cul-de-sac.

Kevin shook his head and slumped on the couch, throwing an arm around Jim and tugging him in close, digging his knuckles into the child's mess of hair. "You better turn out to be a nerd like your Dad, I don't think I can handle you turning into Ed when you get older."

"OW, Daddy Kevn, I'll grow up to be a bigger me, silly!"

"I dunno buddy, he did bite you… maybe it'll be like a stupid werewolf… a weredork."

Edd smacked Kevin behind the ears, rounding the couch to get a seat next to the other two, letting out a surprised yelp as Kevin caught him around the hips and brought him down onto his lap. Edd laughed craned his body around enough to plant a kiss on Kevin's lips, his eyes opening wide as Kevin pulled him closer, a hand sliding across the ravenette's groin. A soft growl rumbled from the jock's throat and vibrated through the other teen's body.

"Daddy D, I'm old enough to see you guys kiss, not the first time."

Kevin cracked open an eye and looked at Jim, Edd's hand pressed firmly over his eyes, Jim attempting to wrench his hand off. Kevin smirked and intensified the kiss, biting down softly onto Double-Dee's lip, eliciting a slight jerk backwards from the sudden sensation. "There are some things little kids aren't supposed to see." Kevin spoke as he maintained his playfully rough hold, his hand cupping against the other's groin. Edd's free hand gripped the jock's, puling it away.

Edd broke the kiss, panting in exasperated bliss, calming himself down and straightening out his knitted cap. "W-Well, yes, Jim, some things you just are not mature enough to learn about yet, no matter your… passive knowledge."

Jim pouted turning his back on the two teens. Kevin chuckled and brought him in closer, grabbing a hold of his sweater and dragging him on the couch. "Come on little man, It's still early, Papa Kev's in the mood for… hmm… some Chinese and a movie night in, you up for it?"

Jim looked over his shoulder, his eyebrow raised in interest. "I want ice cream."

Edd stood and smoothed out his rumpled black cardigan, tugging at the edges that were almost at his mid-thigh. "You may have an ice cream CONE, we are not repeating the other day when you devoured a whole quart."

Kevin locked the door behind Edd and followed the other two towards the sedan parked in the garage. As he rounded the corner, he noticed Rolf's house was unusually alive with activity; every window was open, it appeared the doors had been put off their hinges, tables chairs and other less identifiable objects were placed across the lawn. He spotted Eddy through the front window arguing with Rolf, the resolute teen making wild and aggressive hand gestures to the shorter brunette. _'huh, wonder what shorty's bugging Rolf about...'  
_

Kevin let go of the train of thought and entered on the passenger side of the sedan, buckling himself in and looking across the Edd, a satisfied smile on his face. "You good babe?"

Edd placed his hand on Kevin's lacing their fingers. "You said Papa Kev earlier, without prompting."

Kevin blinked, beginning to blush, and rubbed at the back of his neck, "yeah, well, I figured I might as well try it on."

* * *

Ishmael sat in Jimmy's living room, a wine glass filled with bottled glacial water in one hand and a John Steinbeck novel in the other. The furniture had been pushed off to the sides of the room, leaving only the ornate palace-style chair sitting in the center. He placed a bookmarker in between the pages and took a sip from the glass, savoring the cool, pristine taste, humming as it traveled down his throat and into his gullet. "My my, such decadence."

The doorbell rang, Ishmael sighing heavily, standing and making his way to the door, donning one of the hospital masks he had scrounged up from Jimmy's hypochondriac stockpile. He opened the door completely and was faced with a young girl, probably around Jimmy's age, her arms crossed across her chest and a scowl across her face. She was dressed in a pair of cutoff jean shorts, a deep red sleeveless blouse exposing a deep farmer's tan which her fingers seemed to drum along, her pinky striking the well defined tan line. Her bright orange hair captured sunlight in a manner that almost made her seem to have an aura, a vitality, an enticing illusion to the lanky man before her.

"May I help you, Miss?"

"Who the heck are you?"

"Well, simply from your demeanor and manner of speech, I am going to assume you lack the capacity to pronounce my entire name, so, for you, Ish will be appropriate."

Sarah let out an impatient growl, her eyes narrowing. "Look, beanpole, I'm here to pick up Jimmy, we're supposed to go get my nails done and his eyebrows plucked, so, if you wouldn't mind, I'm gonna just let myself in."

Ishmael stepped in her way repeatedly, blocking her advance. "Oh, I see, you are Sarah, my my how you've grown, pardon my rudeness just a moment ago, I hadn't recognized you from this height."

"What?"

"Nothing, disregard; now, It pains me to inform you that sweet, young Jimmy has taken ill, rather contagious, as you can tell by the aggravating contrivance I am currently wearing." Ishmael grinned behind the mask, the overlapping rows of jagged yellow fangs hidden by a simple piece of paper and cloth.

"I don't believe you."

"Oh well you are most welcome to enter, at your own risk of course. Though I should make you aware that I will not care for two unfortunates."

"This whole time you've spent yapping I could have talked with Jimmy, or, you could have even answered my first question and told me who the heck you are."

"I already answered, though, in an improper manner, my full name is Ishmael."

"Listen up, Ish, I get your name, I DON'T get why you're here and WHO you are." Sarah shouldered her way past Ishmael without much resistance, the man leisurely following after her with an air of apathy.

"I am an in home caretaker, hired temporarily while young Jimmy battles with his unfortunate affliction."

Jimmy's room smelled sterile, two heavy duty air filters droning from opposite corners. The air felt thick with a sick humidity, automated air fresheners huffing from their various posts around the room. The lights were off, and when Sarah attempted to flip the lights to observe her friend better, she found the bulbs were completely removed.

"I apologize, the young man is very sensitive to light at the moment."

Sarah glared over her shoulder and began to cross the room, her eyes adjusting just enough to make a prostrate shape on the bed before her.

"Sarah, please, don't come any further, I am horrible to look at."

Sarah paused, biting her lip, a genuine look of concern overtaking her hostile features. "Jimmy, I didn't know you were that bad." She made a motion to take another step, a heavy coughing fit stopping her in her tracks.

"Please, Sarah, I am not up for conversation right now, I feel so tired. I promise I'll give you a call once I've come around, but I would appreciate it if you'd leave, for now, I'm sorry."

Sarah's heart ached to comfort her friend, but the sickly plea moved her to follow his wishes, not wanting to cause him any distress. "A-alright Jimmy… I'll call later today, can you manage that at least, I want to check up on you."

A hand fell to Sarah's shoulder, an uneasy feeling hitting her stomach. She looked over her shoulder and noticed the masked man seemed suddenly sick himself, drained almost, his eyes sunken in enough to be noticeable.

"Miss, I believe it is time for you to take your leave, young Jimmy is, as you can now plainly see, just not up to conversation."

Sarah nodded, looking over her shoulder forlornly as she was escorted from the room. Ishmael remained in the shadow of the house, only his legs entering into the rectangle of light cast by the open door.

Sarah turned on the front step and placed her hands on her hips, addressing the taller man. "You don't fool me with this 'faithful servant' ploy, buddy, Jimmy's sick and I'm not so sure I like the idea of some creeper like you taking care of him." She waited for a response, her eyes drifting downwards, suddenly aware that the man was barefoot. Soil was clearly clumped to his feet, wedged between his toes.

"Your concern is admirable, though, I can assure you…" Ishmael leaned forward slightly, exposing his now gaunt features to sunlight, his eyes squinting from the exposure. "Jimmy is in good hands."

The door slammed abruptly, leaving Sarah nothing more to do but head back towards her own house, glancing occasionally back towards Jimmy's with a concerned look.

Ishmael watched her leave from the peephole in the door, ripping the mask from his face and tossing it towards the kitchen as he strode towards Jimmy's room. He carefully inserted a single lightbulb into the ceiling fan, tapping the fixture to ensure it's secure placement.

"Oh Jimmy, you are such a wonderful performance artist, or, perhaps more fittingly, performance piece." Ishmael grinned, his back still to the stricken teen. He spun around and raised his hands, wriggling his fingers as if to simulate working a puppet. Jimmy was sitting upright in his bed, his eyes a milky white, face streaked with deep blue veins. His lips began to move as Ishmael let out a pleased cackle.

"And here I was worried my little ventriloquist slash marionette act was going to be a one night only performance. I was pondering just where to place Sarah once I had taken a hold of her; your parent's bed would be much too impertinent, too personal, I believe."

Jimmy began to nod, a cracked smile breaking across his face.

Ishmael let out a chuckle and dropped his hands to his sides, Jimmy plopping back down onto the bed. He walked over and sat at the edge of the bed, pushing back the teen's matted hangs.

"However, You do need to put in a public appearance sometime soon, can't have the locals getting to restless… hmm, but you simply won't do in your current state, and neither will I."

Ishmael stood over a selection of prime cuts of meat taken from the freezer, tapping his chin with one skeletal finger. "Prime Rib; Dry Rub, New York Strip, Porterhouse, ooooh, Chuck Steak, simple but so, so easy to prepare and the taste is simply divine in the hands of a good chef!" He doubled over in laughter, gripping his sides. "I'll take the whole lot!" He piled the meat onto a single large plate and placed his hands onto them, his body shuddering in an orgasmic rush of pleasure. The meat began to shrivel and darken, the deep red blood pooling on the plate quickly coagulating, the marbled cuts beginning to turn into slabs of rotted and misshapen flesh.

Ishmael sat beside Jimmy and brought the back of his full and healthy hand to the horrifyingly gaunt teen's forehead. "Hmm, no fever, no chills, no nothing, just the weak 'thump thump' of that fragile heart of yours, let's see if we can't get you fit for show."

Ishmael pressed his lips fully against Jimmy's parting his chapped lips with an asparagus-green tongue, a deep moan emanating from some place deep within him. He dragged his nails along Jimmy's abdomen, revealing graying flesh lined with varicose veins. As the kiss continued, the deathly pallor surrounding Jimmy began to lift; his dry blonde locks softening, sallow features becoming full and healthy once more, even his barely distinguishable musculature firming up once more.

Ishmael broke the kiss, drawing a finger along Jimmy's now full and soft lips. He dragged his tongue along his own lips and let out a soft sigh, lying across Jimmy's chest, twirling his softened hair around one finger. "You are a bad kisser, you know, I had to do all the work."


	5. CH5:Rajun Cajun Anthropomorphic Jamboree

_**Okay, so it's been a while, a really long while. Life has gotten in the way lately, and honestly writer's block is hitting me, what with like four other stories and my own novel to work on. Anyways, here it is, the newest installment, I hope you enjoy it, please leave some feedback.**_

* * *

Eddy whistled as he poured the entire beaker of formula into an old metal canteen, making sure not to lose a single drop. He quickly dumped the canteen into a bag at his feet and rummaged around it, extracting a water bottle with the label ripped off, a mixture of milk, soap runoff and water sloshing around inside. After pouring the contents into their new container, he took care to not disturb anything else in the room as he exited, glancing once more back over his shoulder towards the chemistry set.

He hadn't managed to get into Rolf's garden to search for any sign of his experiment, and had been hurried out when a young woman emerged from the bathroom, her hair threatening to burst from the beanie it had been packed into. Eddy had only gotten a glimpse of her, but he assumed she must have been a relative, with the protective way Rolf had pushed him along. Blocked from finding out the outcome of his little test, he resolved to simply go for broke, resolving to douse the rotting pumpkins in his backyard with the concoction.

'_Either go all in or don't go at all, I guess.' _Eddy smirked and closed the door behind him, whistling as he made his way down the stairs and out the front door. The cul-de-sac was alive with festivities, the whole neighborhood and even a few people from a couple blocks nearby out in full force in the roundabout, concentrated mostly around Rolf's house. He scowled and shoved his hands in his pockets, walking back towards his own home.

Eddy didn't notice his tail until at least halfway to his house, recognizing the jovial humming over the din of the party nearby. He groaned and stopped in his tracks, letting his head fall backwards, looking up to the sky without really looking at it.

"Whaddya want, Melon Head?"

"What cha got in the bag Eddy?"

"Nothing for you, promise."

"Plank says you shouldn't be in people's houses when they aren't around."

Eddy felt a surge of alarm travel up his spine, his hair standing on end, though he managed to mask it with his usual cool demeanor. "Plank shouldn't be so nosey; besides, I was picking up homework I left at his place."

The force of the blow to the back of Eddy's backpack caused him to jump, his heart racing. When he turned, he saw Johnny holding the metal canteen, turning it over in his hand, scratching his head with Plank. "Your homework was a beat up old canteen? Wait, is this like that glow in the dark pop you guys made a while back?"

Eddy trembled with rage, trying his best to contain it and not make a scene, already feeling exposed. "Yeah, but it's not ready, I need ta get it home, you know, try it out."

"I want a taste, Eddy!"

The brunette's heart jumped into his throat as the shaven-headed teen twisted off the cap and tossed back a full swig of the formula.

"No, it isn't ready!"

The other teen gagged on the contents and quickly spat it out, covering Eddy and Plank with a heavy spray. Eddy ripped the canteen from his hands and shook it, figuring that well over half was still left. He calmed slightly, but looked down at his soaked clothes, whipping his down to try and get some of the residue off. Johnny stood nearby clawing at his tongue, tears at the corner of his eyes.

"What the heck are you guys cooking, poison?"

"Don't blame me, I told ya it wasn't ready."

Eddy shook his head and made his way back towards his house, clutching the canteen protectively to his chest. As he reached his door, he felt woozy, shaking his head to try and dispel the nausea that was turning over in his stomach. Once inside, he proceeded to strip his wet shirt off and toss the backpack down on the floor, jogging towards the back yard.

The pumpkins against the rear fence were a straggling leftover from the previous autumn, an appeasement project he had done along with his Dad after he had quit soccer sophomore year. They were withered, barely recognizable things, overgrown with vines, weeds and long grass Eddy always shirked cutting. They were surprisingly intact, though, and Eddy determined it was all the prompting he needed. He upended the canteen and shook it to ensure every last drop hit the pumpkins, tossing the canteen to the side once it was empty.

Nothing. Eddy's eyebrow twitched and he crouched, trying to get as close to the plants as he could. He waited, prodded one of the pitiful things and then stood, letting out a frustrated growl. "Why won't you grow!?" As he raised his leg to stomp on the hapless plant, Eddy felt his stomach turn completely over, every muscle in his abdomen cramping at once. He doubled over and felt the world spin, his vision tunneling as he attempted to stand.

"Feels like I had a gas station burrito, ugh."

Eddy took one last glance towards the forlorn pumpkin patch and groaned, gripping his stomach with a pained grimace on his face. He slammed the door on his way back inside and felt a heavy cold sweat come over him. Feeling as though all the energy had left his body, Eddy laid down slowly on the heavy shag carpeting of his bedroom, some of the pain subsiding as he curled into the fetal position.

"Just need ta get some rest, yeah, sleep off this crud."

Eddy fell into a fitful sleep, his body unconsciously convulsing with every new surge of pain or discomfort.

* * *

Johnny felt the whole world crushing down on him. Every bone in his body felt as if it were in a vice, a horrendous pressure cushioned only by the faint sensation of his clammy flesh. His muscles twitched and his fingers contorted almost arthritically, the pops and snaps of his joints sickeningly loud. He turned onto his side and tried to grope out for Plank, left leaning against his nightstand, his vision blurred by a cloud of murky fluid that occluded his eyes almost completely.

The warm, reassuring hand that met his own caused him to let out a slight whine of distress, his body resisting every effort as he sat up, hands brought up defensively.

"G-Get out, Puh-Pluh-Plaaaaaank!"

The hands that placed themselves against the stricken teen's shoulders were not combative, the slow pressure applied more an attempt at calming him than trying to restrict or restrain. He struggled briefly, batting feebly at the other's chest, his body falling limp once he had been lain down completely on the bed. He wasn't sure what to expect, what to anticipate, his only real connection to what was happening his still sharp hearing, though a harsh rising buzz began to overtake everything.

There were no words exchanged; only the comforting hand of his unknown caretaker stroking his feverish forehead, the other placed to his wrist, seemingly to get a pulse count. Then, a flood of sensation coursed its way through his mind, sensory opium that eased every fear, calmed every anxiety, blocked out every negative thought. It was as if he were being consoled by an old friend, someone who knew him inside and out.

"Plank?"

A dampened towel was pressed to his eyes, gentle wiping motions breaking up the opaque material building in his vision. His sight cleared enough to observe a half-nude teen around his own age with disheveled autumn-brown hair fraying outwards in every direction, save for the sides of his closely shorn head. He was thin, with not much muscle beyond the lean sinew that flexed with every concerned sigh. At hearing the name, the silent teen paused, regarding Johnny with contemplative eyes.

Again, the rush of comforting thoughts, of ease and reassurance without a single word. Then, softly, just above a whisper, with a tone that spoke of clumsy adaptation to a new everything.

"Try not to talk… yes, it's me."

* * *

Edd fished the keys from his pocket as Kevin tried his best to keep the bagged Chinese food away from Jim, the child jumping occasionally to try and grab the bag. Jim's face was smeared with the sticky remnants of chocolate ice cream, the cone still half-eaten in his hand. The jock regarded the child's efforts with an amused grin, even egging him on by dipping the bag a bit lower with each new attempt. Finally, Double-Dee found his set of keys and turned them in the lock, and froze with alarm as he found it unlocked.

"Kevin, I… I think someone's in the house."

"What?" The redhead came forward and handed off the food, pushing the ravenette behind him defensively. He turned the doorknob slowly and scanned what he could see of the house as the door opened, standing at the threshold for a time, listening to the still interior. Complete silence, only the he heavy sigh of the air conditioning.

"Should we call the authorities?"

"No, I don't think anyone's in here… did you leave the door unlocked?"

"Never."

"Maybe you didn't lock it right, I mean, look, nothings wrong with the knob, the lock, nothing." Kevin looked to Edd briefly, turning back towards the inside of the house when he had caught the panic in his eyes.

"You and Jim stay here, I'll be right back."

"Kevin, please!"

The redhead vanished inside the house, Jim tugging at Edd's sweater. "Daddy D, what's wrong?"

"Your father is checking on something, he'll only be a moment, Jim."

The tension was almost insufferable, every second passing feeling like an eternity. Occasionally, the sound of a door opening and shutting could be heard, as well as a few muffled warnings as Kevin went from room to room, trying to call out anyone possibly hiding inside. Edd bit at his lip and pulled Jim in close, the child looking up to him with concern and attempting to comfort him by squeezing the hand at his shoulder.

The voice that came from behind him caused the teen to shout, spinning abruptly with his hands out protectively.

"Smart Ed boy, why are you startled? Rolf was simply coming to welcome you to his home for the festivities."

"M-my apologies, Rolf, I'm a bit shaken at the moment; we returned home from some errands to find my home unlocked, Kevin is inside se-"

"An Intruder? And with foolhardy Kevin inside trying to flush him out? Stand aside, Rolf will reclaim your home and your honor!" Rolf began rolling up his sleeves, halting only when he saw Kevin emerge from the house shaking his head.

"Babe, I couldn't find… Oh, hey Rolf, what's up man?"

"Your mate tells me you found the home violated?"

"Nah, door was unlocked, nothing missing, nobody inside, I dunno man, probably just didn't lock it right."

Rolf nodded, satisfied, rolling down his sleeves, turning his attention to the suddenly timid child hiding behind Edd. "Oh ho, and who is this little one, a relative?"

Edd smiled and looked down to Jim, bringing him forward gently. "This is Jim, and there is a very long, complicated story as to his origins and his reason for being, but in the simplest terms, he is our son."

Rolf gave Kevin a confused look. "Son? Adopted?"

Kevin rubbed at the back of his neck and moved next to the ravenette, putting a hand on his and the child's shoulder. "You could say that, look man, it's something I'm not even really sure of. But, he's my kid."

Rolf looked to the child with a renewed focus, his eyes suddenly going wide once he noticed his bright green head of hair. "Could it be? Are you two hosting an earth being as well?"

Edd glanced at Kevin, the jock's shoulders shrugging in response. "Earth being, Rolf?"

"Yes; In the early morning, Rolf was preparing to begin the day's chores when I was confronted by an unknown woman. We struggled briefly, and Rolf was prepared to end the encounter violently, when I suddenly realized that she was no thief. Once I came to my senses, I apologized and welcomed the plant woman into my home, Rolf's family honored at the chance to host such an esteemed guest."

He beamed at the other two teens, his hands on his hips, then crouched and extended his hand to Jim, bowing his head slightly. "And so it would seem that you too are chosen to entertain such a spirit."

Jim giggled and took Rolf's hand, shaking it rapidly. "You may rize, smelly man."

Kevin pinched at Jim's ear, causing the child to wince and swat at the teen's hand.

"Hey, bro… what are you talking about?"

"Was Rolf not clear? Maybe Rolf should return with index cards, or perhaps hand puppets?"

"N-no, man, that's cool."

"Are you certain? Rolf has been told he is an excellent hand puppet storyteller."

"I'm sure, man."

Rolf shrugged and excused himself, walking back towards his own house. He paused at the end of the driveway and shouted to the others as they were making their way inside.

"You all are still welcome to Rolf's home for the celebration, and of course to introduce your visiting earth being to another of his people." And with that, he continued on his way.

The trio went into the kitchen, Kevin ripping open the plastic bag around the take-out containers, Edd leaning against the counter nearby with his arms crossed and Jim sitting at the table trying to remove some of the dried chocolate mess from his face. Edd was watching the growing crowd outside of Rolf's home, the jovial teen's words playing over in his mind.

'_Earth being… plant woman… spirit.'_

"Something on your mind, babe?" Kevin was portioning the cartons of steaming food onto three plates, shushing Jim as he asked for more with each dish.

"Just ruminating over Rolf's strange statements… specifically in regards to Jim and his unknown guest."

"Rolf's probably just having some kind of holiday from his old country, hell each year it's like there's a brand new one."

"It's possible that there is no correlation, but I simply can't get this feeling of foreboding to subside… I'll be back shortly."

Kevin watched as Edd made his way hurriedly out of the kitchen, sitting down next to Jim. He sighed and spooned some rice into his mouth, chewing absentmindedly. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Jim clumsily sneak the carton of Mongolian beef to his plate, tipping it slightly to serve himself more. With a wet splat, the remainder of the carton emptied out onto the plate.

"You served it, you eat it."

"I can eat it all, Daddy Kevn, I'm old enough."

"Uh huh…"

The chemistry set in Edd's room was uncommonly dusty, the teen having left it relatively untouched in the past few days due recent events. Double-Dee's eyes darted along every tube, every beaker, every vial, any and every surface that could have been disturbed had someone tampered with the set without his knowing. His eyes came to a rest on the still heated beaker containing the formula, a heavy film forming over the bubbling fluid. His hands balled into fists, a cold sweat suddenly forming.

'_Someone's taken the formula… and they're using it around the neighborhood. That would only support Rolf's claims. But who…'_

Kevin knocked on the doorframe, observing Edd's rigid form. "Find something, Sherdork?"

Before the ravenette could answer, Jim's voice reached them from downstairs.

"Daddy, there's someone at tha door… he's with someone sicky."

The two looked to each other and rushed downstairs, coming to a halt behind Jim. The shirtless boy standing on the front step had a blank face, his brown hair seeming freshly combed, the neat and tidy grooming contrasting with the closely shorn sides of his head. In his arms was held a languid Johnny, his skin covered in patches of coarse hair. Johnny's arms seemed elongated, his knuckles and fingers massive, as well as his feet, various portions of his upper body and even his head large and pronounced.

"Please… help."

Edd motioned for Kevin to take Johnny and make his way upstairs to his room, biting at his nails as he closed the door behind the unknown rescuer. Jim was blushing, his mouth agape, observing the visitor in awe, and standing behind Edd making every attempt to not be seen while still watching the newcomer intently. Edd ushered him back towards the kitchen with a few short words on finishing his food before turning back to the still shirtless stranger standing before him.

"I can't begin to thank you for ensuring our friend's safety, but I just have to wonder why you didn't call an ambulance?"

The brunette raised an eyebrow and regarded his arm, covered in a light sheen of sweat from the feverish Johnny, thick curls of hair stuck to his skin. He picked off a few and wiped them off on his jeans, clearing his throat as he looked expectantly back towards Edd.

"Yes… he did seem… unnaturally altered."

'_Altered, different, transformed.' _

"How, exactly, do you know Johnny?"

The other teen tilted his head slightly and furrowed his brow, crossing his arms and taking a deep breath, his eyes fluttering.

"Not very talkative, are you?"

The silent teen dropped his arms and shook his head, his hands going to work undoing his pant's button and zipper. Edd suddenly burned red and turned his head, eyes wide.

"No, no thank you, whatever it is you wish to show me I assure you I do not want to see."

"I wanna see!" Jim's head poked out from around the kitchen's entryway, trying his best to see the stranger.

"Jim you will return to your meal or I will come in there and… and… give you a stern talking to that you will not soon forget!" Jim vanished back around the corner into the kitchen, the sound a fork scraping across a plate sending a chill up Double-Dee's spine.

Returning his attention to the brunette, the teen was waiting with his hands at his hip, gesturing that he was only going to expose his upper pelvis. Edd blushed vibrantly again and nodded, taking a deep breath as he watched the stranger expose the site. Two uneven green circles with small dots in the center and a large arcing red line resembling a smile.

The realization dawned on him as if a bucket of ice water had been poured slowly down his throat. He felt his knees

go weak and put one hand out against the wall to steady himself.

"Plank… you're Plank?"

Plank rolled his eyes and nodded, fixing his pants. He crossed his arms once more and waited for anything further from the ravenette. Edd's mind began to race with impossible thoughts, darker and darker implications, urgency backing every consideration. He suddenly felt his resolve return and he came towards Plank, the other teen taken aback, stumbling into the wall behind him.

"Who did this to the two of you, who used the formula?"

"Formula?"

Edd paused at the response; despite everything he was so used to regarding Plank as inanimate and wordless that any kind of speech from him was almost too strange to comprehend.

"Yes, I had formulated a compound recently and had intended to dispose of it, only an accidental spill led to… some complications, and I was determined to study it further. I kept it secure in my room, though, it seems someone has taken it and supplanted it with a poor visual decoy. Obviously you have been affected by it, how else would you explain your, erm, current state?"

Before he could respond, frantic knocking erupted from the front door, Edd rushing to answer. Ed was in a haggard state, his clothes seeming torn, jacket with a ripped shoulder and the lumbering teen holding a bag of frozen peas to his eye.

"Oh Dear, Ed, what happened to you?"

"It's Eddy Double-Dee, he's upset, and hairy, and loud, and bitey."

Edd felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to a suddenly grave faced Plank, a slow nod bringing him out of his confusion and concern.

"Ed, we need to get Eddy and bring him here, he may be ill, would you mind assisting us in this?"

Ed dropped the bag and stuck out his chin, nodding determinedly. "Is Plank coming too?"

Edd's shoulders drooped in disbelief. "H-how did y-"

"Yes, Ed, I'm coming as well." Plank stepped around the stunned teen, tugging on one of Kevin's forgotten shirts from the hall closet, going into a trot alongside Ed as they made their way towards Eddy's house. Edd shook his head and paused in the doorway, turning back and cupping his hands around his mouth.

"Kevin, I have to go see Eddy, I believe he may be in the same state, I'll be back soon… I love you."

* * *

"In home caretaker, poor Jimmy has taken frightfully ill, though today he seemed in good spirits and asked I take him out to see 'the gang.' "

Ishmael was careful to smile without showing his teeth, this civility swaying many of the questions posed to him and the surprisingly lively Jimmy. The fair-haired boy was laughing, joking and even eating a bit, though from his seat in the wheel-chair Ishmael pushed along. Ishmael entertained numerous concerned friends and dissuaded countless concerns, putting several neighbors at ease, the frail yet spry teen only supporting his calm explanations.

Eventually Ishmael felt himself growing faint, excusing himself to the back yard to get some sunlight, more for his own benefit than for the claimed benefit of Jimmy. The yard was a homely lot of pens, gardens and various scattered farming tools, a large shed dominating the area towards the rear of the property. He nodded politely to a few guests and found some open space further towards the garden off to the side, leaning back on the fence, Jimmy slipping into sleep.

He rummaged around in the inner pocket of the letterman's jacket and fished out a napkin, the green head of a raw broccoli poking out. He removed the napkin and took the small vegetable in his hand, clenching his fist, a slight surge of energy rushing through him. Once he was finished, he looked at the withered, rubbery thing in his hand and chuckled, tossing it into the compost heap off to his right.

"Hi."

Ishmael faced the speaker slowly, offering a tight-lipped smile. "Why Hello."

"You sick, are you?" Cucu played with the undone cuff of the faded denim jacket she wore over her medium-length black dress, her feet still bare, though scrubbed clean.

"No, I'm afraid that's the young man here."

"No, you sick, like you not fit in you skin."

"Well that's a peculiar way of putting things, Miss?"

"Cucu, what they call you?"

"I am partial to the name Ishmael, it's from a very famous book, you can call me Ish, for short." He extended his hand earnestly, his body still retaining a healthy appearance.

Cucu regarded it cautiously, then gripped it firmly, closing both hands around it. Ishmael felt a thousand needles jab into his hand, a fire creeping up his arm. He tried to remain calm, but he felt his whole body fighting against him, trying to cry out, pull away, do something to end the torment. His smile became pained, and slowly his lips parted to reveal the front row of jagged, yellow fangs, Cucu releasing his hand in a fright.

Ishmael let out short, gasping breaths and straightened himself out, gripping the handles of the chair, his left hand suddenly withered and bruised. "Yes, well, I'm afraid I have to be getting Jimmy back home, he can't handle all this excitement."

Jimmy jolted back to life, his features contorting into a forlorn look "Yes, I feel unwell, please, Ishmael, let us return home, I wish to rest."

"But of course, you have a lovely day, madam."

Cucu watched as the man walked away, noticing an increasing limp in his step. Once he had vanished into the house, she looked down towards her own hand observed the thin green film on her palm. She clenched her hand into a fist and began to shake with fear. Rolf approached her, a boa of sausage links draped around his shoulders.

"Cucu, why are you not enjoying the evening, people are eager to meet you?"

Cucu opened her hand and extended it palm outwards. "Bad was here, and bad will get worse."

* * *

Ishmael thrashed about the house, swiping items from the counter of the kitchen, throwing a mirror across the room and shattering it on the ground, tipping over the couch, dragging gnarled hands along the wall, leaving deep scratches. He flung Jimmy into his bed, leaving him in the contorted position he landed in, storming out of the room back towards the kitchen. He regarded himself in the small hand mirror he had left near the stove, startled by his deathly appearance. He resembled a skeleton, a macabre representation of death, skin drawn tight and hair resembling a poorly groomed doll's. Every breath was a struggle, his lungs rattling in his sunken chest.

After stomping the small mirror on the ground, he ripped open the refrigerator and withdrew a whole chicken, ripping apart the cellophane, digging his fingers into the clammy, uncooked meat. He gasped as he quickly re-gained his vitality, falling to his knees while still maintaining his strangle-hold on the chicken. It deteriorated rapidly, falling apart like it had been constructed of fresh paper mache.

Once more presentable, Ishmael stood and began to lick his fingers clean, slowing his still rapid breathing.

"So, I'm not alone after all. Shame, but I suppose I knew I'd have to branch out eventually, too simple, too mundane."

Jimmy was still in his unnatural position on the bed when Ishmael entered, dragging a chair behind him from the kitchen, setting it next to the bed and taking a seat, crossing his leg across his knee.

"Jimmy, you seem so lonely, and this little outing simply wasn't enough to satisfy your loneliness. What do you say we invite a few friends, have a sleep over?"

The stricken teen nodded from his position on the bed, his arm hooking out behind him, trying to reach his cell phone on the nightstand.

"Ohh, so eager, perfect."


End file.
